Ed part 6

Subject: Re: The AIM discussion

From me, to him.


You're being awfully smug about how much you 'know'' about my thoughts and actions for someone who, let's be honest, barely knows me at all. So we shared a few long conversations, but that was all. It takes a lot more than a few sessions of mutually contemplating our navels and an irascible sense of self-assurance to actually know someone.

Yes, I was offended at your words, no duh? You think calling someone a bitch isn't going to be offensive? Again, it just speaks of how little you know me, or how to speak to people in general: you don't throw out obscenities, let alone ones with an overall sexist tone, unless you can be absolute certain it's not going to tread on anyone's toes. Clearly it did. The fact that you tried to defend it by saying it was a joke (so many times I said 'I was only KIDDING!' when I said inappropriate things as a child...I've used and abused that excuse, I'm not about to take it), and then you tried to tell me that one specific group of people is more 'okay' to insult than another (namely, it's more okay to insult women than blacks; not that I'm saying blacks should be insulted, I'm saying you shouldn't use offensive profanities towards ANYone)...

You don't regard me as a friend. Stop trying to kid yourself. I don't know what you regard me as exactly, but your thoughts are certainly more than platonic, yet less than well-meaning.

I know you said you wanted to buy a house and have us all live there. I'm pretty sure what you meant is that you wanted to buy a house and have ME live there, and my parents are just baggage that can't be disattached. I can't believe you thought that making that offer was even in the least bit appropriate.

Also, I didn't tell you what was bothering me: again, don't kid yourself about what you think you know or what you're assuming I actually revealed to you, because 90% of the time I'm not revealing jack shit to you. And when I do mention anything personal to you nowadays, chances are it's not private anyway and I've probably told everyone else. But I don't open up to people who are using my words to load up on ammunition, who are waiting for an excuse to bring up the fact I had the gall not to fall in love with them into a conversation and then pretend to have business in the library and whisk off after that whole goddamn smug-ass, "Oh, you never know, you might end up feeling things you didn't feel befoblahblahblah I totally know you better than you know yourself even though you've known yourself for all of nineteen years and I've barely entered your life like a leaf enters a swimming pool".

I believed you sympathized with Ian because you said, "I feel sorry for him". Duh? How is taking a person's words at face-value considered a "delusion"? I don't think your "accidental" deadpan delivery is so accidental, either. I think half of it is you don't have a strong enough filter between brain and tongue, and the other half is that you're just waiting for a chance to tell someone they were misguided to think you were being anything other than sarcastic. It's so fun to correct people and tell them they're wrong, isn't it? Then to place their deluded misconceptions under Freudian slips and pretend to psychoanalyze them about it. You'll make a terrific lawyer; I can see you humiliating people on the witness stand with a calm, smug smile already.

Make whatever "rational conculsion"s you want to make. Fine, I'm selecting to be ignorant, about...something or other. I'm desiring a parti-- oh cut the jargon, you're telling me that I'm pretending to be stupid so I can make you act angry? Right, it's all part of my master plan. I'm conspiring just to you piss you off. That's my entire purpose in life -- I just sign onto AIM and think to myself, "How can I be a douchebag to Ed? I desire contrition from him!" and then I spend hours setting the chess pieces into place...

You are so vain.

I get angry with you because you're arrogant, presumptuous, and more vulgar than a barely-pubescent boy trying to impress the teenagers. I don't respond to you sometimes because I honestly have no input on a subject, or because I, SURPRISE SURPRISE, have a life and conversations outside of a conversation held with you, because my thoughts don't focus or revolve around you and responding to you as soon as I possibly can.

There's nothing wrong with being ashamed of one's flaws. You just don't believe you have any.

And trust me, I'm completely aware of why I speak harshly to you. You are not. ...or maybe you're just selecting to be ignorant. Har har har.

I'm still not your business. I blocked you on AIM for a reason. It's the same reason I've become increasingly hostile and vulgar towards you. If you can't figure it out, you're a dunderhead. If you think we should still keep open communications, you need to get the stars out of your eyes and stop daydreaming that I'll be your little wifey someday, and stop pretending that our arguments are anything but a slinging of mean words.

Subject: Reply to reply

Apr 25, 2009 at 6:26 PM

From him, to me.

Let's go with your misguided presumption that I don't know you. There is a simple solution to that: inform me when I make a statement that misrepresents you. Then I know you. Problem solved. And, yes, I do know you. Within fifteen minutes of conversation I know how to break someone or bolster their strengths. Anyone can do this, but the difference is that I'm aware of the process.

You still haven't mentioned what exactly offended you. Did that idea of looking for the spirit in words go over your head? Are you literally so consumed with resentment for Ian that you honestly cannot recognize your friends?

But let's ignore that question for now. Let's go to a better one: Are you a vindictive bitch, yes or no? This one is not asked in jest, and is a serious question. Vindictive, used to mean a person who desires an unjust vengeance, and bitch, noun female dog, slang referrence weakness and unpleasantness of personality. And consider how you see yourself, before you answer. If you see yourself as such, I fail to see the problem in addressing you as such. If not, and I hope this is the answer, why would you take me seriously? Either way, this fails to make sense.

"More than platonic, less than well-meaning?" Personal translation: I just want to boink you and call it a day....wow. Just...wow. This is supposed to be...what? I'm sorry, but it's as funny two hours later as it was when I first read it. You cannot possibly be serious, and if you are, then even trying to talk to you is a utter waste of time, as you have already decided you know me (interesting how you claim to know me, while denying the reverse could possibly be true) and that I have no honor.

This seems to be your claimed stance, yet this clashes with your prior stance that I am a good man.

As far as the offer of the house, I asked your parents, not you. And if you ask them again, I was offering a place until they and by extension, you, (and I will say this slow): Moved. To. Florida. Just so we are clear on that. Unless you control where the family moves, I saw no reason to ask you. If I was mistaken, inform me. This offer was quite sincere, however, it's rather a moot point, considering how the deal fell through before it even began. Perhaps for the best, perhaps not. Time will tell.

No, you didn't. You just gave me one of many thoughts bothering you. That doesn't surprise me. But you did give me information you had not given before, and that suffices for me. And that doesn't bother or surprise me. But I have a question: if you told me nothing private, why did you tell me not to reveal some information? That doesn't strike me as public information, unless you believed I had an untrustworthy nature, and you wanted to see how vindictive I was. This does not equate. At some point, you are lying.

The point of communication is to tell the truth. Try again, or at least lie more effectively.

And I don't exactly relish those discussions, but as long as you're bringing it up, 1)I will not pretend the past never happened, and 2)you still have not given a concrete reason for the breakup. Thankfully, I've formed a rational conclusion for this, and since your answer is consistant but lacks true insight, I honestly no longer feel I need your input on the subject, and therefore feel no reason to raise the topic.

So, that little drop in the library bothered you that much, huh? Well, tell you what: if I honestly believed you were interested in rekindling that relationship, I would ask you what you expected to gain from it. Flat out. I'm no longer of the mentality of simply accepting a person at face value. Thanks in large part to you, I will not form a new relationship unless they know what they are looking for. And if it clashes with my ideals, relationship does not happen.

By the way, I actually am grateful to you for this. At the time of the breakup I wasn't, but times change. Not quite the ending I had in mind, but it will do, and I'll survive.

As far as Ian is concerned in my book, let me make this clear: I only have your side of the story, and the victor's write the histories. So I honestly don't know if you were justified or not in doing what you knew was a damned inconvience to him. That's why you did it, duh. Now for the interesting part: up until you started including me in your verbal attack catagory, I decided you were telling the truth, and at best, he struck me as a short-sighted fool. At worst he was an adulterer.

Of course, since I've already caught you in at least one inconsistancy, I have to question every damn thing you ever told me. That's life, though.

Allow me to translate "deliberate stupidity" for you: use of feigned ignorance to lure someone to a position where they will be more suseptable to attack, be it physical, mental, or social. For example: You don't regard me as a friend. Stop trying to kid yourself. I don't know what you regard me as exactly, but your thoughts are certainly more than platonic, yet less than well-meaning.

That is deliberate stupidity (DS) at it's finest. Hence my prior comtemptious reaction to it. The only possible point of this is an attempt to drown me in false points so as to focus me in one direction while you try and sneak in the real point. Who knows? You might have succeeded. I don't assume I'm the only one who can verbally fight someone.

Vain, arrogant, presumptious, vulgar, immature...

Thanks for the clear up. You hit them all spot on, although I think you missed beautiful, awesome, correct, unashamed, and youthful. But, I hold to my stance, and I fail to see where you are going with this. It strikes me much as the aforemention DS in it's probable objective, except unlike that, this actually has roots in reality. But if you actually believe that I don't see my own faults, and were honestly counting on that, *ahem* WRONG!! Sorry, had to give a Superman shout-out. Best line in the movie.

Anyhow, I presumed you didn't respond to me for the same reason most don't: sometimes I just come so far from left-field no one knows how to respond to me. See the above for a prime example. But if you're involved in other conversations on AIM, that's fine. In case you haven't noticed, I'm usually doing something while talking to you as well. I expect a life beyond, and I would be surprised if you had none.

Actually, there isn't. Shame can be a powerful moral compass. However, it does become a problem when it allows the malicious to exploit you.

To be honest, I was unaware you had blocked me on AIM. But then again, I don't know how to look for those things, and it didn't show up on my end. And I haven't noticed any elevation in hostility until say, a few days ago. It takes a lot to register, but thanks to hindsight, yes, I can trace this too.

Anyhow, I'm glad you finally started unleashing on me. I've known about this for some time, but not the specifics behind it. I wish you had done this back in November, but I suppose better late then never.

To be honest, I have a hunch that even communication with you is a waste of time, but I am nevertheless gripped by a compulsion to address this and try to resolve the situation. If you are attempting to return my own tactics (as the emotion behind your words is certainly identical to my November communications), make sure you at least know primary objectives as well as secondary objectives. Understand yourself before you march off to verbal war.


Note to all men: you will fail at wooing, friendship, or anything not resembling a verbal onslaught if you attempt to make up for calling a woman "vain, arrogant presumptious[sic], vulgar, immature" with a bunch of compliments right after.

Like, dohoho you are such a gigantic shitsponge you lovable lady!

Oh, off my feet I have been surely SWEPT!

Wait no, then I just started cussing at him.

Man, who would have THOUGHT?! By the way, he's the only person I've ever actually said "fuck" to in a way that wasn't quoting someone else. I don't even say it out loud in a quoting context. I just don't feel comfortable cursing, generally. I said it out loud to him, once.

THAT IS AN IMPORTANT FACT.

See how many exceptions most human beings ever get from me which he does not? See how many second chances, benefits of the doubt and basic extents of sympathetic speech I stopped offering him?

IMPORTANT.

FACTS.